Last year, I introduced the importance of enjoying daily micro-pleasures-the little pleasures that we experience on a daily basis to help us stay positive. Then I began a blog on my CandiceChristiansen.Com website and focused my attention there (re: blogging).
My latest micro-pleasure, particularly right now in the Fall in Utah is enjoying hot Cacao by Navitas which is like hot cocoa only healthier, still delicious and so good for you! More examples: at night I have celebrated the micro pleasure of snuggling in my cozy bed with my soft sheets and warm blankets. While driving I say outloud how beautiful the changing trees are, the sky, the mountains, even the humans all around me in other cars. I physically notice a shift of feeling pleasure in my body by doing this!
Similar to micro-pleasures, it’s important to celebrate the micro(small)-wins in our relationships. By relationships I mean all our relationship, not just our intimate ones-with people, with the earth, with our pets. And our relationship with our friends, family, children, siblings, colleagues, co-workers, boss.
I have had zero inspiration to write for the past year which is the opposite of what my friends who are authors have said: "If it weren't for the Pandemic I wouldn't have written my book." Oh how I wish I wrote my Autism and Intimacy workbook last year! But I didn't. What is interesting is that I am actually a great writer (according to those around me), when my avoider parts give me some space so that I can put pen to paper.
Something interesting happened yesterday that re-awakened my desire to write again. Chris and I had the privilege of being interviewed by Caitlin Hansen and Brooke Mangum on their Living Unscripted podcast (the podcast is supposed to air in a few weeks so stay tuned!). It indeed was an unscripted and raw conversation about our relationship, my autism diagnosis and why I am so passionate about helping autistic individuals and couples of various neurotypes, our personal stories, the challenges and gifts of working and living together, and so much more (wow-we crammed a lot in an hour!). Near the end of the interview I was asked about some tips for people to enjoy more "play" time as adults, as well as what couples can do to improve their relationship.
It was that conversation that inspired me to write this blog today. In adulthood we forget that our bodies, brains, and nervous systems need play time. Instead, we work too much which robs us of feeling any sort of real pleasure. As a result, everyone, and I mean everyone, either seeks pleasure outside of themselves or they avoid it altogether. Here is a list of the ways most people seek out pleasure: Online or in person shopping/buying, staring for hours (cumulatively throughout the day) at social media into the world of other people's lives, playing video games, watching porn, masturbating in secret, gambling, using substances or people to feel better. I am sure I left out other ways in which we play that aren't the healthiest.
Imagine if you will you find out that your partner of however long has been either cheating on you with real life people or cheating on you with pornography, sending sexual pictures, and getting “atta boys” or “atta girls” via flirting on social media. You feel horrified, shocked, devastated, a bit of disbelief, anger, sadness, fury, and all the rest of the feelings on the feelings wheel at what you have just found out.
After the first or second or third confrontation, back and forth arguments, and challenging encounters trying to wrap your head around this tragedy, you courageously make the phone call to us for therapy. You partner, somewhat reluctantly (uncertain of whether or not therapy will help) decides to come. And thus the beautiful and messy intimacy recovery process begins.
What helps people heal from damaged intimacy neuropathways? Is it talking it out? Is it education about the “why” that led the individual to cope in the maladaptive ways? Is it trauma informed therapy? How about holistic approaches? What about couples therapy, including intensives?
We believe that it is all of the above.
Are you in love with a narcissist but find that you often struggle with their lack of empathy towards you, need for attention, and inflated sense of importance? Narcissists are typically engaging, charismatic, seductive, and exciting, especially in the beginning of your relationship. After some time, however, and especially if you “out shine” them, they will exhibit the following:
an inflated sense of importance at your expense
a deep need for excessive attention and admiration
lack of empathy for others
Interpersonally exploitive behavior
Arrogant behavior
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
All guest bloggers’ opinions, thoughts and feelings are their own.
“When a high-profile U.K. television dating programme approached me out of the blue in March 2018, my initial thought was that it could potentially boost my working profile rather than help me find love. However, I went along with the process and was filmed for six weeks in various locations in my life in North East Wales during June/July 2018.
It didn’t work out in the end and the show didn’t go to air as the show’s hierarchy thought that hadn’t shown myself to be “autistic enough”. Also, there was a significant age gap with the girl selected was much younger than myself.
Nonetheless, after this “experience”, and much cajoling from one of my close mates, I believed that I had the impetus to join online dating. It seemed to be the social norm these days for couples to meet in this way rather than what would have been my preferred old-fashioned.
